My Top Ten New Years Resolutions for 2006 that most likely will not last

10. Stop watching 24 Hour Cable news. They are so hungry for news that they report speculation and not fact. I can't tell you how many times I've heard them have to correct information; it is just usually smaller information. In the case of the WV Coal Mine incident, it was just big enough to raise eyebrows. Who am I kidding, I'm a hopeless spot news (must know right now or die) addict.

9. Try not to get mad at idiot Virginia Drivers. This will be a tough one. Most folks around here don't understand that acceleration lanes are a place to accelerate, NOT STOP! I also hate the slowpokes in the passing lane. Must learn to love them and be patient with them, good luck!

8. Start looking for capital to start a year round Professional Football league. There is still a month until the Super Bowl, and I'm having withdrawal symptoms already. OK, I know, wish in one hand and you know what in the other. . .

7. Never eat at McDonalds again. My distaste for both their food and their ultra-brat, teenage, smart-mouthed, brainless excuse for workers has driven me to a full-on boycott of the lousy franchise. I have given in to my wife and children in 2005 maybe 10 or 15 times and gone there only to be totally disgusted and mad upon leaving. My 2006 goal is to not darken their stupid doorways or drive throughs at all. My daughter's big brown eyes are already beginning to burn a hole in my heart. So, this one may not happen.

6. Give in to the friends and begin to look for the right fit for a run for political office. For years, friends have mentioned that they would love to see me run for political office, and they would vote for me. I have often said that the world is not ready for someone to the right of Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage. I've also said that I'd have to run as an independent because the Republican Party would never stand for an uncontrollable candidate. I would vote my way, and speak my mind (ouch that hurts already). But this time it's for real, I'm going to do it. OK maybe I should just give this one up again before it even starts.

5. I plan to do something kind for a stranger every day in 2006. Wait, I already do this now. I open doors for people who are rude or worse in return. I've even been told by an obvious feminist that I was insulting her by holding the door. I am one of the few people who let the crazy drivers in front of me when leaving a crowded parking lot. In turn they flip me off. I try to saw kind words to everyone as I pass, only to be given a nasty look. I try to be patient with the stupid clerks at Wal-Mart, only to get bomblasted with the fact that they don't want to be there and generally hate everyone. OK, I'll already revise this one. I plan to do something nice for all of my civil friends and family every day in 2006.

4. Stop listening to sports radio. I don't think it is healthy to overload my tiny little brain with so many different people's crazy opinions. It also adversely affected my fantasy football performance this year because I listened to too many experts. So, I will no longer listen to that stuff. OK, so I've already screwed that one up, I'm listening to Dan Patrick right now.

3. Begin a new daily exercise program. That was last year, and it lasted for 2 weeks. 2 years ago it went for 8 months. OOPS.

2. Stop asking everyone the huge cliché, bla bla bla question everyone asks when they run into someone "how are you doing?" Aren't you sick of hearing that question? I always tell people the honest answer when I'm asked that question. So, for the upcoming year, I plan to bite my tongue and say something different to folks. It's such a habit phrase, this one could fall quickly!

1. I want to start a campaign to smack anyone who I see using the bathroom and then walking out without washing their hands. I normally just boil inside in disgust when I see this, but no more. I will speak out to everyone I see do this. OK, you think I'm overreacting? Next time you are eating your lunch in the break room at your office just look around at everyone touching everything and think about how many of them didn't wash their hands. I hope you keep your double bologna super cheese sandwich down. I feel sick!